by Christos Polydorou
There are days when I wake up with an anxiety that goes beyond bills and boyfriends and futures and my mother; it is a day in which I feel the worry beginning to dissipate, to make way for a revelation. Earlier I heard my neighbors screaming at each other in a language I could not comprehend, and a fear braced me, the same fear which would brace me whenever I would hear my father dwarfing my mother with a tone that was unbearable. But I noticed it happening, and not as if it was happening to someone else, but it was happening to myself. And in that moment, when I got a hold of myself, the revelation occurred to me.
The revelation was the men have been attempting to silence the female spirit for as long as there have been humans, by screaming. Men are not weak, they simply are entirely aware that their strength cannot match the strength of a woman if she gets to yield it, so they attempt to censor a woman by overshadowing her, by shouting at her, by insulting her, by hurting her, and sometimes her, and his own children. Growing up with a father who was quick to anger, it exhausted me to see that this was not something which I could look up to, in any way. Its recurrence was embarrassing. Unfortunately, in the last few years, I have come upon some very unpleasant people with which I too had to yield my strength, whether I liked it or not. I hated it, but it did make me a stronger, tougher person, I suppose. But it came at a cost.
Each of us has a sword, and if under attack one is justified to use it. At times when I have been under attack I have let my insight get a hold of me and use me as a mouth piece, until I realized that yes, certain things were externally released into us, and are so much bigger than us, that they change us. Time, it is of the essence. One can sit and observe others and be shocked and appalled at their lack of sophistication, class, manners, care, politeness, or one can go on doing what one is doing, with dignity, always in close proximity to a moral center, and hope that someone who is looking is looking and not judging, but is also picking up creative solutions as to how to deal with life.
I for one do not wish to spend another moment being angry at my father, or at all the haunted people who have said vicious things to me throughout my life, like my ex boyfriend, who told me I looked ridiculous in a blue Superman baseball cap, that I have not worn for nearly three years because of him. You’ve guessed correctly, I am wearing that baseball cap right now as I write this.
Because I accept now that life is bigger than all of us, and one should at least try to set aside the personal for the sake of objective truth.
And also we should understand that if the spirit is, then the spirit is female, just as love is female. Why fear love when it can burn you into a new person? We are so hard on women, but it is really the female spirit that we fear, the spirit that does not soften us, or make us weak, but makes us powerful, at our foundations, at our roots, at our feet. All we need to do is let.
Tonight I wore kohl.